Mirror Image

I wish you could stay this little forever

I love you, little babe.

Just when you think

you have it all under control

...

Something comes along to remind you,

you don't.

Leave it up to God

Irked on a Monday Morning

You know, before I re-embraced my Catholic faith in college (after I had shed my following of Independent Fundamental Baptists), I thought that Catholicism was hokey pokey. This stems from the lack of proper education/information I received while growing up and attending CCD (Religious Education). While IFB, I fully believed that Catholics were evil, the Pope was the Anti-Christ, and all Catholics were damned. I also believed a lot of other heretical thoughts, but have since seen "the light" and come to understand, and love, my Catholic faith even more, and have embraced this true, and holy, faith. Anyways, since then, it has also become my personal crusade to understand more wholly the tenets of the Catholic faith that so many do not understand: the Saints, the Words of Institution spoken by the priest which is the time at which transubstantiation occurs (when the bread and wine become the actual Sacred Body and Blood of our Lord Jesus), the Rites of the Church, Natural Family Planning, and so forth.

Anyways, now that I am married, my husband and I practice Natural Family Planning, seeing as this is the only approved method, asides from abstinence, of preventing pregnancy in the Church. There are so many different kinds of NFP (Sympto-Thermal, Creighton Model, Billings Method, SDM, and more) out there, but it seems that it is not allowed to have its voice, even though scientific data can back up NFP in its claims that it extremely effective when used correctly. And doesn't the FDA require all forms of birth control - be it condoms, the pill, IUDs, rings, etc. - to say they are XX% effective when used correctly?!?! Need I say more? Does anyone else remember the commercial for Yaz, and how it later needed to be, publicly, amended in a another commercial saying the FDA required them to also say "X, Y, and Z about using Yaz?"

NFP is effective, people!

Just because my husband and I chose to try, and God did indeed bless us, with a pregnancy that resulted in our son Collin, and that we chose to try after only a few months of being married does not mean that NFP is ineffective. On the contrary, this proves another valid argument in NFP - that it can also help you to attain pregnancy, by knowing your cycles and phases and when you are fertile and how to accurately predict ovulation. I can still point it out on my chart the exact day my son was conceived. I mean, secular society is producing all sorts of ovulation prediction tests and more to help families achieve pregnancy. NFP obviously knows its thing! My husband and I chose this child, he is NO "oops baby." I had been told by multiple OB/GYNs and our CCL coaching teachers that I was not ovulating, and therefore had fertility issues, and may never be able to have a child. Until.... I saw an NFP-only doctor in St. Charles, Ill. who helped me. It is because of his knowledge of fertility cycles (and NFP made this possible) that my pregnancy was achieved.

Why are all these facts ignored? Why do so many atheists and agnostics, and even Evangelical Christians, nay-say these arguments, especially on top of ample scientific data. Has anyone heard of Creighton University? Or the Pope Paul VI Institute? It is because of the research done there that my doctors knew to test, after confirming my pregnancy, my progesterone levels. And I sincerely believe that because I received progesterone shots throughout my first trimester (because my own levels were so very low) that my pregnancy progressed, and did not result in a miscarriage. Before receiving the shots, I had a significant chance of miscarriage. It is very frustrating for me, as a scientist (I have a B.S. in Chemistry) to see when data, that can be backed up by thorough research, is ignored. And this has been ignored, and for so long!!!

I will never forget how one of my old co-worker's girlfriends became pregnant with their firstborn while she was on the ring. And one of my old OB/GYNs, he and his wife had 10 children. Of those 10, only one was unplanned, and this unplanned pregnancy occurred while his wife was on the pill - they were practicing NFP when they achieved their other 9 pregnancies. Ironic, no? So to those who doubt, who think they are lucky for not becoming pregnant while on artificial birth control - consuming damaging hormones that alter the way our bodies are supposed to work naturally - guess what? You are. Are you taking your birth control correctly? What if you're not?

I took a course on NFP to learn how to use my "birth control." I can, for the most part, claim that I am using this method correctly. The difference is, if I do have an unplanned pregnancy, I will not fear it nor be dismayed, but overjoyed knowing that God has chosen to bless, and increase, our family.

I would challenge those of you who do use birth control to read all the information you can about what you use. For example, did you know that pill eventually leads to infertility? Now, consider why this information is generally smothered. I mean, why isn't this obvious side effect listed??? Why doesn't the FDA require that? Or heck, why isn't pregnancy listed as a side effect as well? I challenge you to think critically and do your research. This is an important thing - it is about LIFE. Didn't you do research before you chose what college to attend? Or in the case of the organic movement, what produce, meats, etc. to buy organically and why? So why not here? Why continue follow the Culture of Death?

God gave us this most wonderful ability to procreate,

to bear children we can love unconditionally,

for whom we would do anything.

Fleeting Thoughts

During this morning's homily, I could not help but remember a particular passage from Galatians about the fruits of the Holy Spirit:

For the flesh sets its desire against the Spirit, and the Spirit against the flesh; for these are in opposition to one another, so that you may not do the things that you please.

But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the Law.

Now the deeds of the flesh are evident, which are: immorality, impurity, sensuality,

idolatry, sorcery, enmities, strife, jealousy, outbursts of anger, disputes, dissensions, factions,

envying, drunkenness, carousing, and things like these, of which I forewarn you, just as I have forewarned you, that those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God.

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Now those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires.

If we live by the Spirit, let us also walk by the Spirit.

Let us not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

- Galatians 5:17-26

It's not surprising that God chose this particular time of my day to use the Holy Spirit to place these thoughts into my head - especially when you consider that I was at Mass by myself; my husband and brother-in-law had gone earlier in the morning while Collin was napping. What a morning to really reflect upon the continual and daily graces that can be found in each of our lives.

Fruits of the Spirit...this is such a captivating topic for me because it is a list, that God gave us of important, godly qualities that we should all strive for daily. And a list of carnal/fleshly desires.

It is such a blessing to have a conscience; I believe our consciences are led by the Holy Spirit, when we are living our faith and following the Church, and they help us to discern our actions in everyday, and especially extraordinary, situations.

But God's Word points it out so succinctly; that our flesh battles against the Spirit. All the time. Every day. I find this happening in every area of my life: my roles as wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend, acquaintance, or even as "just another person on the street."

It's one of the moments when if you try to start counting

the amount of times daily that you choose

to let your fleshly desires overtake you,

you can lose faith.

But that's usually when I have this overpowering feeling of grace

in the reminder of God's love,

but more importantly,

His forgiveness,

understanding,

and steadfast belief

in His children.

I pray continually that I can strive to be more like our Blessed Virgin Mother; there is no greater role model for women, especially mothers, except for Christ Himself. I know it sounds so cliche, but sometimes I like to ask myself "What would Mary do?" I was right, wasn't I? Big cliche. But it really strikes home for me. I mean, I'm sure there were times when she had her doubts or moments where she struggled in her faith, but I feel like I'm continually struggling. Even wallowing.

I feel like my faith is slipping so much recently, and I just don't know where it's all stemming from, what the root is. Okay, yes I know what the root is, the devil is at work, and it's my own free will and selfish desires, but I like to be able to pinpoint where in my life this is coming from - maybe it's the scientist in me. Could it be from having an unplanned c-section and feeling so bitter about it afterwards? My overwhelming guilt I feel when sometimes I stare at my son and feel nothing at all? Or is that just the thoughts and feeling of a burnt out mother?? Is it the thoughts of my mother-in-law having been diagnosed with stage 4 ovarian cancer (even though she has been battling it effectively so far, and her faith is so inspiring)? Is it from the despair I feel about how often my husband and I come to spar on the most trivial things?? All of this clearly, and my own feelings of discontentment, depression, etc. just proves that the devil is at work, and I'm letting him work, and not fighting as hard as I know I can.

Which begs to differ the eternal question:

WHY??

But I want to fight!!! And I want to arm myself. I want the Holy Spirit, God, the saints, and whomever else is out there praying with/for me helping me "fight the good fight." I want to get back into prayer. I want my son, and all my future children, to grow up steadfast in their faith, to know their faith and understand it - unlike myself when I was a child and going through CCD. I want to be a godly example for my children, friends, family, and more. But I know I cannot do this alone. Woe is the man or woman who thinks he or she can.

The fruits of the Spirit. Don't they sound divine? Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control.

Maybe I just need to talk about my faith more openly. My goal is to start attending daily Mass. I need to get back into the habit of going to confession. I have been yearning to find my niche in our local church. And I miss volunteering; I remember the days of going to Chicago and helping out at a battered women and children's shelter, and how the ache in my heart would grow seeing these children starving for love and attention, but the joy and blessings that would abound from being able to give that to them! To show them some hope, and some light, and the beauty of God and His creation, and life.

But hey, these are goals. I want to make them realities. And I need to find an accountability partner because I will admit that I have terrible self-control. I have been taking breaks while writing this post to grab more Guittard Milk Chocolate Chips to eat, even though I told myself an hour ago to stop. I just can't. And then I feel terrible about my self-image later. Strange, huh? What is with this? With me?! God help me, I know that I am nothing without my faith. I am so weak. Christ is such a great example of strength; how He bore his pain and suffering on that cross.

I still, to this day, cannot forget what one of my evangelical friends once said about sinning.

"Each time I sin, I am choosing to deliberately spit in Christ's face while He is upon that cross."

I'm sure I could expand upon this topic even more, but for now I think this is enough. Enough to know that there is redemption, to believe in the power of Reconciliation and forgiveness, and be a part of the Body of Christ and the Church, to know I am inter-connected with millions of other Catholics. That brings me great joy.

And joy is just the first of the fruits...

Teething, teething, teething

So, Collin has been teething for almost 2 weeks now - not the whole time you, we did get a few days' respite, but now the pain in coming in full force for the little guy. And he is a chomper - ouch, ouch, ouch!!! And he loves to chew/drool all over fingers and arms that he can reach - although not his own.

It sounds so painful!

Wiping up blood-stained drool only makes me feel more sympathetic to the teething cause.

I also have an Organic Chill-It teether ring for him to use, which he is starting to like/appreciate, especially now that he's got the whole

"Oooh...something's in my hand??

MUST put it in my mouth immediately!"

I bought him some instant dissolve teething tablets, and generally they seem to be a great help (especially when the pain is keeping him from napping), but I'm guessing we've reached a whole new pain threshold today: he is so tired and will not go to sleep because of the pain. So Ryan is bouncing him in his bedroom, thus far to no avail.

Teething tablets...they scare me, and yet I use them. I understand using chamomile (relaxing and soothing) and I understand the logic behind putting belladona in the tablets as well. It's the notion that while I was still working (I'm a chemist) in the labs, I was not allowed to enter the lab area when others were using belladona. Granted that was in its pure form, and obviously greater quantities than you would give to a 3 month old, but still. It makes me uneasy. But they ARE a Godsend. They dull the pain just enough so he can nurse off the rest of the pain, get the nice hormone-induced sleep effects that come from mommy's milky, and take a quick snooze.

Tonight is sure to be very interesting...

I pray it won't be too bad.

Not only for his benefit, but for mine as well. The past couple of nights have also been long/hard/restless, and top that off with a sick husband, so I'm on this mission all by my lonesome.

I like to pretend this means Collin is excited to start on his "solid" foods when he hits 6 months in October. Nothing like dry rice cereal, or oatmeal, flakes mixed into breastmilk that does a body good...

In other news, I made zucchini brownies today. Sounds weird, huh? But they are SO delicious! And much healthier - less oil, less sugar, no eggs - than regular brownies. Think of all the vitamins jam-packed into a (big, okay, ginormous) bite. Add in a glass of milk, and you've got me drooling...just like Collin.

My other domestic adventure of the day: making my own dill pickles. We've had cucumbers coming out of our ears left and right, and for the most part going bad because I just don't know what to do with them anymore - asides from dipping them into hummus, eating as a snack, on top of salads. So here's to domestic adventures...

Dear Joe,

I don't have time for a real post, but Laura said you wanted me to post a blog, so here's one for you :)

A Little Slippery on This Soapbox

You know, I wonder just how many books there are out there professing that they are the best book on raising your child and that they will turn out the best. When, let's face it, in reality, there is no one truly perfect method to raising a family. I believe that raising a child / parenting is different in each child's case due to our individual personalities and oddities. But that is my own personal belief - and I respect others' beliefs when it comes to parenting because it can be a very touchy, and sore, subject.

I have to hand it to my mother, and thank my sister someday for preconditioning our mother, for knowing when it is or is not prudent to dole out her personal beliefs/advice when it comes to my raising Collin - she respects that if I want advice or have any questions, I will ask her. I wish I could say the same of my in-laws. Which is continually surprising to me - I LOVE my in-laws! But after hearing my mother-in-law tell me that I should just let Collin cry it out - her mother had 8 children and it worked well for her, and my mother-in-law had 4 children and it worked well for her...and none of her children had any negative side effects, and she believes the same of her siblings - I think I want to punch a wall, or just tell her to go pound sand.

I know that everyone who doles out their own parenting advice is well-intentioned and only means the best, or just wants to give advice they believe will help make my life easier, but I am overwhelmed with feelings of frustration these days. Yes, I understand that letting your child cry it out may have worked well for you, but guess what? It doesn't work well for my child, which in turn means that it does not work well for our family. It breaks my heart to hear my child screaming bloody murder when I know I am helpless to make him feeling better (cue pooping time) - why would I ever want to let him cry - which leads to screaming - it out when it only makes him lose faith and trust in him, and cry less not because he is pacifying himself but because he is losing hope that his mother hears his cries and is about to enter the room any second and help make it all better. I personally just don't understand it, or condone it. However, yes, there are times when Collin is crying and nothing I can do seems to help, but I still hold him or let him see me so he knows mama is there and sympathizes and has not left him on his own.

And yes, I know co-sleeping is also a touchy subject. But again, it is what works well for Collin and for our family, so that's what we do. I am currently trying to transition Collin out of this, and it's not so much him or his need to be in bed with mom and dad - it's more so that I fall asleep while nursing him in bed, so guess where he ends up sleeping? Our bed. I just need to jump it up on the energy when he's nursing (like the hormones I release even make that possible, but we can pretend here)...

I am trying so hard to be polite and gracious., really I am. But if I ever fudge up, forgive me. Please.

We went to my in-laws these past few days, and well, Collin hates car rides. He did great in the beginning, but there was a 2 hour stint of crying that was so bad we almost pulled off the road and just slept in the car for the night, holding Collin, it was so bad. Thankfully, we made it there at 1:30 am on Sunday. My father-in-law for some reason decided it was a prudent idea to come in the porch where we were sleeping to look at Collin, wake me up, and then chastise me for allowing Collin to sleep in our bed....because he shouldn't be sleeping in our bed, he'll get used to it and never sleep on his own. Oh? Really? Collin actually sleeps better in his crib, if I manage to not fall asleep nursing him at night - I try, and sometimes succeed in getting him back in his crib. So, guess what? No sleeping, or mom and dad, dependence there.

There are so many parenting methods it's crazy. I am not keen on the Faber (or Faber-izing) method = cry it out method. Currently psychological research shows the ever-present negative side effects this style of parenting has on children throughout their lives. They end up becoming more dependent than the children whose parents heed his or her cries. These children whose cries are heard learn to trust their parents; trust that they hear their cries and will respond promptly. These children learn independence because of the care they receive from their parents; they never have to be afraid that mom or dad will leave them. They will become more sociable for this reason as well.

I am an Attachment Parenting parenting method believer to the "dotted i."

I:

- wear my baby

- bonded with him immediately after birth (or as soon as I could due to a c-section_

- breastfeed my baby

- bed close to my baby

- believe in the language value of his cries

- balance, know when to say "yes" and "no" and recognize the importance of a healthy marriage and its positive side effects in my childrens' lives

- beware "baby trainers" - which according to Dr. Sears means:

Attachment parenting teaches you how to be discerning of advice, especially those rigid and extreme parenting styles that teach you to watch a clock or a schedule instead of your baby; you know, the cry-it-out crowd. This "convenience" parenting is a short-term gain, but a long-term loss, and is not a wise investment. These more restrained styles of parenting create a distance between you and your baby and keep you from becoming an expert in your child.

So yes, this is me. I own 3 different wraps, am about to acquire a fourth because I love wear my baby, I love the feeling of bonding I receive from holding him, having him close to me, smelling him, breastfeeding him, etc. I am in awe every time I breastfeed Collin because of the overwhelming feelings of love, protection, joy, and just...awe at the beauty of nature in action. I believe organic produce, meats, and dairy are the way to go, and that supporting local agriculture and businesses is the key - but hey, that's another soapbox item for another day.

And now, it is time to slide off my soapbox and read a relaxing book. I am really enjoying Collin's newest sleeping schedule. I may also go enjoy a Dr. Pepper. Why not? It is, after all, my birthday tomorrow :)